02.28.08
Evolution (HONEST Questions my Evolutionist friends can’t answer)
So I once was a very strong Evolutionist. I really put a lot of stock in the theory until I realized at key points it started to break down. So lately I have been looking back into this theory, wondering where progression has gone in it, any headway has been made, and I have been reading pro-evolution books (including http://www.eruditor.com/exec/books/item/9780737720983.html.en?currency=USD) and anti-evolution books (including http://www.amazon.com/Evolution-not-scientific-interlude-evolution/dp/0962387215/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1204140324&sr=1-1)
And I have questions NEITHER book can answer, or arguments I have found completely stupid. I am a Christian, obviously, and wanted to know the following from a Creationist standpoint :
ON GENDER :
- How did genders evolve? Man and Woman are very -very- different from one another. From function, to what hormones are released in our brains, to how we mature to give birth, to how we think, and even our muscle mass and bone structure.
- How then did two creatures evolve through a gradual process over billions of years to be so -different- an compatible at the same time?
- What happened to the first ’sexed’ creature?
- Why didn’t the first sexed creature die out, because there was no opposite sexed gender to breed with?
- How did the first gendered creature produce young? (Given mutants in the genetic code are usually sterile, or their young are sterile. The code ‘correcting the mistake’ through either making offspring is near mathematically impossible from a micro-biotic and genetic level)
- If the lizard theory is correct with the switching gender, why would we evolve to require genders to begin with if we could reproduce without another sex?
- If evolution progresses a species and breeding ‘weeds out errors’ (the inbreeding problem) in the parent genetic (providing 1/2 chromosomes from one parent and 1/2 from the other) code, why are there still errors in the code, that say ’skip’ generations?
- If evolution progresses a species and breeding ‘weeds out errors’ (the inbreeding problem) in the parent’s genetic code (providing 1/2 chromosomes from one parent and 1/2 from the other), what then determines the ‘bad’ half of the genetic code, and why to more desirable traits get left in 1/2 of the code, while less desirable traits get included? Why is there not consistent exclusion of inferior genes?
- Why do recessive genes dominate dominant genes (such as blue eyes or red hair), through genealogy as far as thirteen generations prior to the new person?
On further points of breeding :
One of the books made a very good point. (which I wished to elaborate on) Please imagine if you would. You have a superior German Shepard. He is quick, strong, agile, intelligent, a true hunter, a regal dog. You wish to have this German Shepard sire puppies, so they can be as quick, agile, intelligent, hunters, and regal. Would you…
- Carefully select the dog that would be the bitch to your sire?
- Let the dog loose in a room of random bitches, and let him choose his mate?
Why?
Now, most dog breeders cringe at the second option. I will tell you why. The dog does not care whom he sires. He is not driven to select an intelligent, agile, quick, strong, hunter. He is designed to breed with whichever bitch is in heat. It doesn’t even have to be a German Shepard. It could be genetically blind, deaf, and have one leg. It could be a stupid full sized inbred poodle. Further, let us take this to the wild, where a male is merely concerned about distributing its genetic code to as many females as possible. It is -not- picky. The females rarely are as well. If you have a superior animal in a flock of ‘ordinary’ animals, the superiorities of that animal is -bred out- of subsequent generations. You come back down to a ‘common stock’. You do not get multiple animals with favorable qualities, instead you get the favorable qualities bred out of superior animal’s off spring.
Please explain how this gradual process works, when this evidence produces the opposite effects. Thank you.
06.19.07
I disagree with your pamphlet.
Professing themselves wise, they became FOOLS. (ROM 1:23)
I really dislike this pamphlet, and I’ll tell you why. I find the arguments in this pamphlet not even decent. I mean I’ve had some heated and good, in-depth debates over the contents here? But this thing really is just a pathetic misrepresentation of facts. So I have authored this entry, which is long, to counter it.
Since your pamphlet uses the Bible as the points of reference it is safe to assume that the pamphlet agrees that the Bible is an adequate, proper authority, on theology. Because it cites the Bible, it acknowledges the Bible as a base on which this debate can be fought, and thus the Bible can be cited back to refute any and all points brought forth by the above flier.
WHY I BELIEVE IN GOD :
Contrary to popular belief The Holy Bible does NOT endorse :
- 150 years ago : Slavery (Exodus, the entire Moses story where God led Moses to free countless slaves from Egypt, supported historically here http://cresourcei.org/exodusdate.html, here http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060830032403AAOfIqO, and here http://varnam.org/blog/archives/2006/08/exodus_decoded_2.php)
- 100 years ago : Sexism (The women described in the Bible are not always homemakers and mothers. Obviously, the biological function of women is to produce and care for children. However, Deborah was both a judge and leader of Israel. Other women were involved in ridding Israel of her enemies. Quite a number of women are described as being prophetesses. Other women in the Bible were involved in teaching the Word of God or serving as deaconesses in the early Christian church. — http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/sexism.html)
- 50 years ago : Racism (The claim is often made that the Bible is racist and that Christianity encourages racism. While there are people who claim the name of Christ and preach racist hatred in Christian churches, the Bible does not condone, but actually condemns this kind of behavior. Jesus said that He was sent to minister only to the Jewish people.6 Even so, He healed both Jew and Gentile, including Canaanites,7 Syrophoenicians,8 and Samaritans.9 In addition to healing those of other races, Jesus proclaimed the gospel to those of other races when He met them. http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/racism.html)
- Today! : Hatred! How does God feel about Homosexuals? — http://www.case-studies.com/articles/homo_hate.htm (Further read Romans 1 and 2) Romans Chapter one describes a life of sin, and includes homosexuality. These verses are most often used by misguided ‘bible thumper’ who say ‘God hate Homosexuals’. Because the opening to Romans 2 says…. I quote : You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things. So when you a mere man, pass judgement on them, do you think you will escape God’s judgement, for God does not show favoritism.
Unlike seccular humanism the bible gives us simple rules to live by. Not to limit us, but instead to aid us in interaction with one another. The Ten Commandments are vastly misunderstood, and obviously by your little flier, misrepresented!
ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’
- Here’s a kicker. Yeah if you choose to follow this religion you follow it’s God. Gee that’s such a stretch.
TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
- Again if you choose to follow this religion you shouldn’t worship things. Things have no meaning, but instead worship God.
THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
- If you choose to follow this religion don’t use the name of your God lightly!
FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
- Take one day, (The Holy Day) and use it to rest, reflect, and gather yourself. Spend it with family, friends and do not toil in the fields or at work. You need one day to recharge your batteries both physically and spiritually. Oh so mean to ask this of you.
FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’
- Honor and respect your mother and father. This isn’t to say that you stand around and let them abuse you. (In fact it says for fathers to ‘treasure their children’ and ‘blessed be the young children’.) Honoring your heritage and family means to not do anything that would shame yourself or your family.
SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’
- NOTE THIS IS NOT THOU SHALT NOT KILL-. This is ‘You shall not murder’. Now I wonder, if I need to break down the pre-meditated intent to end another person’s life, and GENUINE SELF DEFENSE. Considering God himself led many people many times to defend themselves (David and Goliath, to Moses, and Peter) it obviously is not ‘Thou shalt not KILL’ but instead You should not go out, plot the death and demise of another, and do it. Why don’t people get all in arms about this in oh, modern law?
SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
- Not only does this lead to surprise pregnancy, STDs, guilt, and finally the break down of family units, believe me it instills lack of self confidence in your spouse, feelings of worthlessness, and regret. This is something you will carry with you the rest of your life.
EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’
- Hey if this wasn’t bad, why is it illegal in nearly every culture? Religious or not.
NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
- Don’t lie, especially spread slander, gossip, and to authorities. What happens again if you lie in a court of law?
TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’
- Be contented with what you have. If you spend all your time looking at everything everyone else has you will miss the blessings you, yourself have obtained here on Earth. Instead of looking at what everyone else has, and what you do not, look at what you have, and better yourself and your conditions.
The final Commandment Jesus gave everyone :
THE GREATEST COMMANDMENT OF ALL :
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it : Love your neighbor as yourself.
The golden rule! So if you choose to be Christian love God, who wants only good things for you and everyone, and the second command is love everyone else as you love yourself. Isn’t the Bible horrible and filled with evil intentions?!
—-
Let’s address Mithra. Now since your word choice here is unclear, if this is 6 BC or 600 BC I will provide examples of the following.
Considering that this legend cropped up a mere 6 years before the DEATH of Jesus Christ, and there are -dozens- if not -hundreds- of false Christs that cropped up between the promise of a Christ (OH say 1000 years BC a good 1496 years before this Mithra) it doesn’t surprise me, or shock me Mithra was invented as a religion. Several other religions followed the same format the Jedo-Christian already proclaimed would occur. Furthermore this legend crops up when Jesus himself was then 27 years old? Yeah. Yawn. Please excuse my lack of utter and profound enthusiasm on the topic.
Considering that this legend cropped up a substantial 600 years before the Death of Jesus Christ, and there are -dozens- if not -hundreds- of false Christs that cropped up between the promise of a Christ (OH say 1000 years BC a good 400+ years before this Mithra) The Birth, And Death of Christ were predicted over thousands of years before these ‘religions’ cropped up. In fact, if you go to Psalms 22 (just before famous Psalms 23) you will get a graphic description and prophesy of what a crucifixion is ( THE crucifixion of Christ actually) hundreds and hundreds of years before the Roman Empire adapted the technique as a way to kill people. (earliest account being for pirates by Wikipedia near 7 BC ) Further the Crucifixion of the Christ is recorded (non biblically) that Jesus was an actual, living, breathing, person. Records from the Romans, and the Hebrews at this time have -silenced- historians trying to prove that no such man existed. In fact he did. So tell me how a text that’s instead a thousand years old if not OLDER predicted his birth, life, and the exact manner in which he would die, as recorded by other sources than the bible?
Finally ancient texts of Hebrew teachings predicting the coming of Christ, and the things he would do, to all the events that occurred, were around a lot longer that Mithra.
Christ wasn’t born on December 25th, in fact this is an error that Constantine (Will double check resources) made when he was trying to, erroneously, make the religion popular for Rome through compromise. (Later establishing the Roman Catholic Church) Tradition would have us believe that Jesus was born on December 25, when it is very cold, and sometimes snowy, in Bethlehem. The truth is that Jesus was born in September. Tradition would have us believe that there were three wise men, and that they came to the manger. The truth is that there were quite a number of those who came from the East, and that they came to see Jesus when he was between 18 and 24 months old. He made the holiday coincide instead with a popular holiday at the time and the tradition of MAN stuck.
—
What Isaiah 7:14 REALLY says. DON’T BELIEVE AN ATHEIST about THEOLOGY!
7:13 Then Isaiah said, “Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of men? Will you try the patience of my God also?
7:14 Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign : The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel.
7:15 He will eat curds, and honey when he knows enough to reject the wrong and choose the right.
7:16 But before the boy knows enough to reject the wrong and choose the right, the land of the two kings you dread will be laid to waste.
(Immanuel, the name “God is with us” is to convince Ahaz that God could rescue him from his enemies. Hebrew for Immanuel is used again in Isaiah 8:8, 10, and may be another name for Maher-Shalahash-Baz (8:3) and Jesus was the final fulfillment of this prophecy for he was “God with us” This passage is not peaking Virgin here in 7:13 refers to Isiah’s second wife as his first died in childbirth and this word used here ‘almah refers to a woman about to be married. This too is recognized by the Israelites, at that time as a prophesy of a distant person to be born -foreshadowing- the birth of the Christ.)
WHAT THE BIBLE REALLY TELLS US :
- Who should we kill?
(Considering your PAMPHLET says “We cannot kill anyone even in Self Defense”, then contradicts itself by providing a numbered and bulleted list of people to kill…) This entire little argument is invalid. God broke down who should die in the Bible. “For the wages of sin is death; but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 6:23) — EVERYONE deserves to die, but God does not want us to do the killing.(See Ten Commandments)
In fact he doesn’t want any of us to die. we all fall short of perfection, and glory, so guess what? We’re all unworthy to go to heaven. Sin is Sin is Sin is Sin, and “the wages of sin is DEATH” — God is not biased, he loves all of us, and wants the best for us, thus provided a way to salvation. But face it, we all suck. We all have done bad things in our lives. God cares so much about that he gave us a way to overcome those flaws. (Which we most assuredly cannot do on our own.) So instead of focusing on who should die, let us focus on who we should LOVE. (On this note, please realize the word ‘Love’ is used more in the Bible more times than the words Hell(0), Hate (29), Murder (17), and Judgement(70) combined. Love by itself used 310 times, and in other forms such as ‘loving’ a total of 555 times.*)
- Who should we love?
Let us revisit the commandments given to us :
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it : Love your neighbor as yourself.
God commands us to love : EVERYONE
This includes : Homosexuals, Women, People of different Religions, People of different Races, Children, Men, Women, Elders, the Unborn, The Dying, The Sick, The mentally Ill. I could go on but you get the point.
- So what are the opinions of Women in the bible? :
Women : There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3:28) — God is not sexist.
Wives : A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. — She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.“ (Proverbs 31:10-29) — This places a housewife as the financial head of a household, furthermore the in an administration role for the domestic work. She is wise, strong, dignified, independent, and praised.
Homosexuals : ROM 2:1, MATHEW 22: 36-40 While Homosexuality is a sin in God’s eyes, he encourages us like with any sinner. Hate the sin LOVE the sinner. Akin to an alcoholic, or liar, you do not hate these people, you extend your hands and try to teach, help, guide, and love them. In fact he directly asks that you -do not- judge these people.
Fathers mistreat your children? I think not! : Colossians 3:21 (NASB) Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. — Ephesians 6:4 (NASB) And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Hebrews 12:11 (NASB) All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
- Marriage? Love?
COR 13 :4
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
—
- What does God say about Marriage? Better to not marry?!
This argument has come up a lot. The books they are actually citing are called the “Letters” in the Bible. They are instructions for PRIESTS and LEADERS OF CLERGY where God and his disciples advise that it is better for Priests and Clergymen to be unwed, but if they are filled with love for someone, it is better to marry them.
Let’s clarify the Fall of Man. Shall we?
Adam and Eve were told not to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. I don’t know how much more direct that “It will end in your demise” God could have been. He didn’t explain things in detail, instead insisted that the fruit was not good. (You don’t need to know what bad is to understand it, if you have a knowledge of what good is.) Further God said it would seperate them from Him, which they did know since he wasn’t around when they ate the flipping fruit. Man and Woman, Adam and Eve -willfully- disobeyed God and his request not to eat the fruit. God didn’t do it. God didn’t force them. God didn’t tempt them. God didn’t trick them. They had a request from the very being that created them, and after thumbing their nose at God, lying to His face, and blaming everyone instead of taking accountability for their actions, God still loved them. But God could no longer dwell with them. To understand this, you have to understand the nature of sin. God is all Good, all Holy, and Flawless. Compare yourself to pure perfection for a moment. It’s a bit hard to do so, let us take this to an analogy.
You have a flawless perfect diamond.
You mark the diamond, scratch it, mar it, break it, chip it in some way. Now every scratch, mar, break, chip, crack and speck in it represents ONE singular time you messed up in your life. Lied, cheated, stole, slept around, and did things that actually you know in your heart are wrong?
Can you you repair the diamond truly after all that it has undergone? No. In fact God says this. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-10 (NIV)
What jeweler in their right mind would take that diamond when you were done with it?
God would. God would take it still because to him you are precious, and important. Don’t be like Adam and Eve and refuse to take accountability for actions you know are wrong, and grow a defensive heart around things you know you’ve done. You cannot alone make yourself, or that diamond a perfect thing again, only God can.
Let’s Clarify Original Sin. Shall we?
Not all people believe in ‘Original Sin’ nor do all people believe in ‘Baptism’ to promise salvation. Nor is your salvation dependent on these theological theories. Do you think a God that is fair, just, kind, and caring would -actually- condemn innocent people? I don’t. That’s not my God. My God has promised me and everyone else on this planet salvation, and I have faith in His judgement, His righteousness to make the right decisions. For in the Bible says : …”I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, “Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest,” declares the Lord. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Jeremiah 31:33-34. (NIV) “True Morality” is innate in all of us.
Blood Sacrifice paying for your sins?
You betcha, but not in the archaic and mundane way it is thusly demonstrated in this little flier. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all three one being. Much like a woman can be a sister, mother, and daughter. Three distinct roles, yet one singular person. She can be nothing other than a mother to her children, a daughter to her parents, and a sister to her sibling, yet she is one whole, complete person.
Jesus was God, and through Jesus, God Himself sacrificed himself, taking on the burdens of the world. It was not through blood you are saved. The wage of sin is death, God died as so you can live on. It is through His -Grace- you are saved, and his often mocked, overlooked, and selfless sacrifice. Another analogy.
A man and his child are in a bank that is being robbed. Would you consider this father taking a bullet for his child a blood sacrifice paying for the child’s life? No.
It is by the Sacrifice of your Holy Father, and His alone that you are given a choice, a sincere, and honest choice. Choose to refuse it, and that is your choice, choose to accept it, and that is also your choice.
But for goodness sake.Frankly I have no influence in what you believe in, all I can hope and pray your heart will be touched, but I also know the ways of a hardened heart. I cannot convince you, nor is it my job to convince you of anything one way or the other. All I can do is tell you the truth. In the end it’s your choice and something you will have to come to terms with. This choice is between you and God alone. This choice is a highly personal one. No one was scared into heaven, conversely no one was offended into hell. Before you start going on about things you don’t know… before you start giving all atheists a bad name in your blinding ignorance, ask yourself this. If you believe in nothing, why does it offend you so terribly I believe in -something-? Why do you care? Why are you so bitter, and so angry against something you don’t believe in anyway? I on the other hand am held to speak up when facts about my relationship with my God are misrepresented. He is my God too, and as He has saved me, I shall defend Him unto my dying breath.
* Sources cited :
http://www.southbayyouth.org/question.asp?id=52
Zondervan NIV Study Bible (Various Passages, and Concordance)
05.14.07
OMFGWTF (Sandwich)
[8:16:31 PM] Beyr says: I. Give. Up
[8:16:42 PM] Beyr says: OMG why are people so unfuckingbelievably stupid?
[8:20:52 PM] Lucus says: Because if everyone was intelligent life would be easy, and God wished to challenge us.
[8:21:02 PM] Beyr says: Man, so I go to subway.
[8:21:23 PM] Beyr says: I don’t eat there too often but enough in my life to know how to make a subway sandwich.
[8:21:35 PM] Lucus says: >_>
[8:21:40 PM] Lucus says: Well that’s your problem right there.
[8:21:59 PM] Lucus says: Fast food service = stupid little teenage fucks that are paid minimum wage.
[8:22:00 PM] Beyr says: So. I go there, and order 2 sandwiches.
[8:22:14 PM] Beyr says: One written down.
[8:22:17 PM] Beyr says: Right?
[8:22:35 PM] Beyr says: Hand her the written one, “And I’ll need another one” goes through gets it wrong, and I’m correcting her.
[8:23:29 PM] Beyr says: Like she can’t read, then I’m literally telling her how to microwave the fucking meat for the second one.
[8:24:05 PM] Beyr says: How to -microwave- –MEAT–
[8:24:29 PM] Lucus says: >_>
[8:24:36 PM] Beyr says: “Okay honey, open the lid, yes, put it back on not all the way. Good. Okay open the microwave”
[8:24:41 PM] Beyr says: I’m. Not. Shitting. You.
[8:24:44 PM] Lucus says: Lol.
[8:24:50 PM] Lucus says: *pets*
[8:24:53 PM] Beyr says: Okay put it in the center of the Microwave.
[8:24:59 PM] Beyr says: Stares
[8:25:04 PM] Beyr says: Looks at me “Which button?”
[8:25:10 PM] Lucus says: ROFL
[8:25:22 PM] Beyr says: I lean over the cash area “Uh looks like 6 is ’steak’
[8:25:42 PM] Lucus says: Poor girl. Must’ve embarrassed the fuck outta her.
[8:25:44 PM] Lucus says: <_<
[8:25:45 PM] Beyr says: “…”
[8:25:49 PM] Beyr says: “So do I push that one?”
[8:25:52 PM] Beyr says: No I was SUPER sweet.
[8:25:59 PM] Lucus says: Still.
[8:26:05 PM] Beyr says: “I’ve only been working for a few weeks.”
[8:26:07 PM] Lucus says: Having to ask the customer how to use the microwave?
[8:26:13 PM] Beyr says: Dude.
[8:26:21 PM] Beyr says: If you have to ask a customer to use a microfuckingwave.
[8:26:35 PM] Beyr says: I don’t think you get embarrassed at shit like that.
[8:26:48 PM] Beyr says: You more likely get embarrassed over wondering how to flush the fucking toilet.
[8:44:23 PM] Beyr says: O.M.G.
[8:44:29 PM] Beyr says: Nick’s sandwich is wrong too
[8:44:40 PM] Lucus says: >_<
[8:44:45 PM] Lucus says: *strokes calmingly*
[8:45:00 PM] Lucus says: -.-
[8:45:27 PM] Lucus says: Yes.
[8:47:39 PM] Beyr says: -.-
[8:47:58 PM] Beyr says: Okay, so even reading and instructing her. She got the meats wrong when I was looking at the fucking menu.
[8:48:18 PM] Lucus says: Rofl.
[8:48:33 PM] Beyr says: How. Do. People. Like. This. Live?
[8:52:22 PM] Beyr says: So anyway yeah, I tell her how to use the microwave right?
[8:52:34 PM] Beyr says: I had to tell her to close the fucking door, to ’start’ it with the huge ’start’ button.
02.03.07
Gotta LOVE Goooooogle ads!
So I was on a place I usually look up words? I can’t spell….. anyway I was reading the spelling of several words for a story I was working on and I paused in horror when I looked up the following :
philanderer
I can’t even make this shit up. There are ads at the bottom of the page that guide you to various links in the Internet that match any information on the page. Nope…. not porn, but holy cow are Google Ads -very- precise! Below is the first part of the definition, note nothing spectacular.
It reads, -verb (used without object) (of a man) to make love with a woman one cannot, or will not marry; carry on flirtations. [Orgin: 1675-85; <D Gk philandros one who loves (of a woman, loving her husband); see Philo-, Andro-: laer sed in fiction as a proper name for a lover, and appar. mistaken as "a man who loves"] – Related forms phi.lan.der.er, noun – synonyms, trifle, dally, womanize — etc.
That of course isn’t the remarkable thing at all. The REMARKABLE thing is what this is about. The ads BENEATH the word definition. Yep. The ads.
It reads, Married Female Seeks Male, Guaranteed hookups or it’s free Meet your match tonight (webaddress) How to Have An Affair Learn how to have the ultimate discreet love affair (webaddress) Powerful Flirting Tips How To Meet Beautiful Women Step By Stey Dating Advice For Men. (webaddress) Rich Women Seeking Men Rich women want to hook up now. Signup today. Site is 100% free! (webaddress).
So not only now will your ex-boyfriend know what you just called him, he’s gonna know exactly how to continue his trend! Perhaps you looked up the word because you wanted to know how to become a philanderer? Well now you know! Perhaps someone told you, your husband was a philanderer? Now you know his tricks! Not only did these ads so perfectly relate to the words that were input, they themselves defined the word I was looking up. Now Google? That’s fucking talent.
Again. I can’t make this shit up!
01.29.07
Twizzlers, Makes Baby Jesus Cry
Okay so I was all excited today because my husband bought me candy, just because he was a sweetie, and probably did something wrong I’ll never discover. This said he bought me a new type of candy pictured here :
NEW! Twizzlers Rainbow Twists! As you can see there are various colors and flavors. From left to right we have strawberry, orange, lemon, watermelon, blue raspberry, and grape. Now I don’t remember these flavors vividly because they were excellent, but because they have to be next to the most disgusting thing that ever has gone into my mouth. (YES including those slumber parties at Kathy’s house? When I snored she put refrigerated ground beef that was grilled in taco sauce, and an extinguished cigarette mix? In my mouth cause I was snoring.)
Below is a break down on this candy. For the love of all that’s Holy and Good on this planet, if you love small children, fuzzy pets, and life in general DO NOT BUY THIS CANDY. (If it can be called Candy) Just don’t do it. Don’t. Don’t read this Blog and think “It can’t be that bad” because it is that bad. Choking on your own bile after an all night kegger is more flavorful than this. That ugly stripper at that bachelor/bachleorette party? Would taste better than this. If I were a candy maker, I would buy this product to sell as a weapon’s grade toxic chemical. If you are going to starve to death? Eat your own shoes, urine, and carve bits of your friend off to sustain you before eating this. If you’re still going to starve to death, instead use the bright colors to try to flag down help from the air, or tape these fragrant sticks on your body so when the rescue teams find you, they will overcome the rotting dead guy smell. But, on the upside? As always it’s a Fat Free Candy!
WATERMELON
Scent : Almost like an Airheads Watermelon scent but a bit softer. A very inviting smell that is intended to lure adults and small children alike into biting into the Twizzler stick. The scent of that fake watermelon that is to the point of about to make your mouth pucker in anticipation, and instead of the muscle clenching ‘oooo’ face? You are left drooling.
Texture : As your teeth sink into this Twizzler, you realize you are utterly betrayed at the name, unlike the fake plastic texture of the pull and peel? (Complete with the Cloraseptic Cherry flavor and numbing?) It’s like biting into a week old bit of fish guts without the slime. Chewier and softer than BubbleYum BubbleGum? And yet won’t make a consistent lump in your mouth like taffy or other softer candies. Sinks to the back of your mouth, inciting gag complex.
Flavor : If you could judge flavor on a zero to ten scale, this candy would be near the nine mark, below the previously mentioned zero. It was the neighbor of Watermelon Candy. It waved at Watermelon Candy from across a crowded room and beamed at all it’s friends going ‘I know that him!’ while Watermelon Candy waves back out of politeness before asking Sour Apple ‘Who the fuck was that guy?’
Conclusion : The lack of flavor stopped me from throwing up. Managed to finish the entire stick, just to see if I could. I did. As it hit my stomach it was like sucking down a flat Diet C affine Free Rite soda? That someone hocked a loogie in.
BLUE RASPBERRY
Scent : Again a promising pop of scent, perhaps they just failed with the Watermelon? I mean nothing could be that bad that smells sooo good. Almost like that chap stick you smell and secretly lick when no one’s looking (OH YOU KNOW YOU’VE DONE IT!) just to see if the flavor is as good as the smell. Near intoxicating, makes you eager to shove the whole stick into your mouth at once.
Texture : For some reason you are still expecting a decent texture and are again like biting into soft, undercooked oyster, without the slime. As you chew you focus on the texture (because beside the scent there isn’t anything else) and wonder how this candy maintains its unique shape without dissolving into a melted gob of quasi-solid goo. You might want to note I did extensive research and found out this is where the Tempurpedic Mattresses Nasa made gets their softness. Note even the Mattress states on the tag : UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG SHALL NOT BE REMOVED EXCEPT BY THE CONSUMER — NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION
Flavor : Mildly more flavorful than the Watermellon candy! Then again water might accomplish this task. (No ice and lemon thank you!) My tongue was thouroughly confused again awaiting that sweet Laffy Taffy flavor that you can suck on for a few hours? To then getting up, walking out of my mouth, bitch-slapping me, and going to get a cup of coffee.
Conclusion : So bad I decided to start recording how awful the candy was to ensure another human being doesn’t fall into this snare unwittingly! Decided to wash out mouth with Bleach, Three Bottles of Listerene, and small shards of a crystal wine glass from my china cabinet. Consumed half of one stick, to which my stomach then crawled out of my mouth, also bitch-slapped me, and joined my tongue.
+ 
+ 
= Better Than Candy
LEMONADE
Scent : A very soft tempting scent of Lemon Pez. Yeah Lemon Pez, (made someone sniff to agree!) which I like! Nothing more satisfying than opening someone’s neck and pulling out candy right? Smelled it a lot because I was very scared now after the previous sticks, and there wasn’t much of the inside of my mouth left.
Texture : Somehow SOFTER than the previous flavors. I took a little nibble and rolled the rest into a ball. I discovered though you expect this candy to bounce, instead it lands on the floor with a distinct and deforming -thud-. It was the consistancy of play-dough that was left in the microwave (If you have kids you know right before it starts to harden and they put it in a glass of Kool-Aid? That consistancy.) Left it on the floor. Noted even dog sniffed it a while and left it alone. (Note: If a dog likes the taste of his own ass this should be an indicator of what’s next)
Flavor : Have you ever used Lemon Scent Pledge?
Okay imagine using the Pledge? And you don’t squirt it directly INTO your mouth? But the smell is so strong you can taste it in the -air- of your mouth? That is this candy. I did some testing and exhaled on my kitchen table, and buffed it to a streak free shine. Noted to myself the time I did squirt it into my mouth, it did taste better than the candy.
Conclusion : Remind Husband to pick up wood-cleaner, we’re almost out. Oh and this CANDY SUCKS.
STRAWBERRY
Scent : I was really looking forward to the scent of this candy since the rest smelled so good, and like every other part of it, I was severely let down. It smelled like the bubble-gum that you find on your shoe on a very hot summer day. With gravel, some dude’s hair, and a tac in it? And you get a stick and try to shove the stick under the gum, not because it’s difficult to get off the shoe and hardened? But because the last 12 miles you have left little circles of super sticky gum on the pavment, and when you touched it, it somehow got on your finger, hand, elbow, eyelid, hair, and earlobe. JUST BY TOUCHING IT.
Texture : See above, but not sticky. What it lacked in scent? It made up for being ever so slightly more firm than room-temperature tapioca pudding.
Taste : Have you ever taken a Mr. Bubble Bubble Bath?! Of course you have and if you haven’t you’re a deprived child. Mr. Bubble had a lot of scents at one time, one of them? Strawberry. Once I placed the smallest detectable bit of this candy on my tongue, I expected to start frothing from my mouth like Cujo. It was like eating bubble bath. The taste then changed to something I fear the English Language has not created a word for yet. Afraid to take the candy from my mouth I got aforementioned stick and pried it from my tongue, and found some gravel in my driveway and began chewing on that. This was in hopes my teeth would crack, fall out of my head, and thus taking any remaining flavor from my teeth.
Conclusion : My family pleaded with me to stop, but I told them this was a small price I paid. I beg you, if you try this candy, stay alive, no matter the cost! I will find you! (I will promptly then send you to a hospital in hopes they can pump your stomach in time)
ORANGE
Scent : Deceptive, vile, evil temptress. You smelled like a 50/50 bar, or an orange smoothie. Oh, I knew your games by this point, I didn’t fall for your intoxicating bouquet, I knew you were a despicable liar, a fraud, and more disgusting than Paris Hilton’s thong after an all night bash’n'bang. You think you want it, you know you would like to at least try it, but you know at the end of the night you’ll end up with funky syphilis and pictures and video of your literal ass and this candy all over the internet with a title of “Twizzle the nizzle!”
Texture : I don’t know how many more times I can describe biting into something that reminds me of melted key-lime pie. I tried sucking on it this time, as my teeth and most of my tongue were missing, and realized it simply wouldn’t dissolve. I sat there and finally muscled it down with an 8 oz glass of lighter fluid.
Taste : After the lighter fluid I couldn’t taste much… but just in case I lit my own mouth on fucking fire. My family called the fire department and while they were distracted I noted that my own charred flesh was better tasting than any of this candy so far.
Conclusion : The third degree burns on the inside of my mouth made me realize how short and valuable, even precious life is. I wrote out my will, and went outside enjoyed the starlight, the moonlight, and the scent of sweet fresh air. I made my peace with God, and asked him to forgive all those who purchase this candy, meanwhile smiting the fuckers who put it on the shelf. I asked him if he really loved all the children in the world, why he would allow such pain and suffering in the guise of something sweet and good. I think I heard Baby Jesus cry in sympathy.
GRAPE
Scent : Why oh why did I save the worst for last? Please someone tell me? While the Fire Department was loading me onto the stretcher, and my family was holding eachother sobbing, the heart monitor started beeping I lifted the grape stick to my nose. Fake Grape. Like cough syurp that has been mixed with sugar. Yes perhaps this flavor… though I hate Fake Grape, would change everything. Perhaps high from the Lighter Fluid fumes, or perhaps spiritually enlightened I feared no evil. It smelled like just innocent, pure, wholesome fake grape.
Texture : I flat-lined at this point. I don’t remember much except the sensation of electricity pulsing through my veins, and a tunnel, a long tunnel with a bright white light at the end. I reached for this light with choirs of The Great Beyond beckoning me toward them, before being ripped back to my mortal coil.
Taste : After being jolted back to this realm, I realized that I still had this grape thing in my mouth. I sat straight up in the stretcher, and pulled the final, remaining bits of this candy from my mouth. (Through the gaping hole in my cheek at this point) I stared at it. I had done it. I had survived the worst. I felt stronger, more complete, and in my life I have never had a clearer, stronger mission than to tell you the following ….
Conclusion : DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY THIS CANDY
09.21.06
I ~AM~ Captain Jack Sparrow
You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow. Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three.
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 |
09.18.06
My ~Other~ Trip To Olympia (The Covenant)
So I went to Olympia again and I have a lot of things to write about but before I forget I must review the movie The Covenant. (sp? Who cares. It was bad.) The Covenant is about four witches (men, should be warlocks) who have magical powers. They encounter a fifth boy who also has magical powers. Wacky hijinks and a struggle for yet more power ensues. But on the way home I was talking to Liz and realized some valuable life lessons learned from this movie.
- 1. If you live in New England, every private school should have your family history easily accessible in their school library.
- 2. If you live in New England, bring a camera.
- 3. If you want to impress a man, play “I love Rock and Roll” and expose your ankles and calves.
- 4. All magical forces in the universe appear like clear bubbles.
- 5. The witches really didn’t invest in diverse powers, just telekenisis, conjuring spiders, and auto repair.
- 6. It takes four virile young men to lift an SUV with their minds.
- 7. If you use too much magic you can get glaucoma.
- 8. Witches mate for life.
- 9. It’s okay to tell a century long deep dark secret to someone you met a week or two ago.
- 10. Private schools(K-12) really let you do anything, including going to bars, bonfires, have co-ed dorms.
- 11. Private schools really don’t care about infestations of insects, and if you have problems with spider bites, they tend to ignore it and encourage young helpless women to go back to the area infested with spiders.
- 12. Lights that break in the shower mean that someone is watching you.
- 13. It doesn’t matter how old, damp, and dilapidated a barn is, it can still explode, and burn to the ground.
- 14. Old Colonial houses all have creepy basements.
- 15. If you are flipped by a magical person while on a motorcycle going 100mph, you can survive if you wear your helmet.
- 16. If you are a male witch in New England, and on a swim team you have the body of a greek god. Even at ’seventeen’.
I hope that you have learned very important lessons from this movie too!
06.10.06
Hold The Fiesta
So Travis and I were heading to Taco Bell, the best place for midnight munchy food, as we will, and we got there and had an incompitent (surprise surprise) person on the little talky box thing. After repeating my order thrice, and them getting it wrong somehow twice as much as that, the lady started telling me her life story and explaining it was her first day. I am sympathetic. First days suck… but it was to a point where I was about to go "Lady, I am sorry but… I just want my fucking FIESTA TACO SALAD! For the love of all that is good and holy, I just want… a fiesta… taco… salad." So, Travis has devised a way to fuck with people the next time this might happen which is the event that warrants mentioning. He looked at me while I was boggling how you could mess up "Bean Burrito" and he said "Kare… next time you know what you should totally do?" I glance to him "What's that?" He smirked… "Okay… get this…"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell can I take your order?
Travis: Hmmm yeah, uh can I get a Fiesta Taco Salad, but I want the Fiesta on the side.
Employee: ~ odd pause ~ Excuse me?
Travis: Well you know… like in a seperate cup. I don't want the Fiesta touching the taco salad part.
Employee: ~ more pause ~ The Fiesta sir?
Travis: Yeah, I'm allergic to the Fiesta, but my wife loves it and puts it on the burrito, so can you put it just on the side please?
Employee: I'm not… sure we can do that sir.
Travis: What do you mean? They had NO problem doing it at the other Taco Bell.
Employee: I don't know what the 'Fiesta' part is… to put it on the side.
Travis: You know… ~long pause~ The Fiesta.
Employee: I don't think we ca–
Travis: You know sometimes people don't want a taco salad that is all "FIESTA!" Sometimes people want … you know, a gentle gathering of ingredients. More like… a soirée taco salad.
Employee: ~ silence ~
Travis: Hello?
Employee: Um..
Travis: Well let's make this easier. Do you have a soirée taco salad? And you can just put the soirée on the side?
Employee: Let me.. get my manager?
Travis: You do that…
05.19.06
My Sister -.-
So I have a sister. She actually is really pretty, kinda smart, funny, extroverted, and that kind of girl I suspect most other women would naturally hate. She could have any man on the face of the planet pretty much, by just walking up, smiling, and saying hello. Needless to say I guess she got the good 'genes'.
So, for the life of me I cannot figure out why she stays with this jack ass of a boyfriend, who is verbally abusive and controling. I mean it. Okay want an example? We're playing a video game I just bought she was at my house maybe a total of fifteen minutes. Her phone rings. She tells him "Yes I am still at Karen's, yes we are playing a game." They talk for about five minutes. We start to play, and he calls back two minutes later. Asks her when she is coming home. She replies, "When we're done." I go then to get a soda. She hangs up, before I can open my soda, her phone rings again. "Are you mad at me?" I was like JESUS MAN grow a set of balls!
So this behavior continues and we go have a cigarette, and she missed literally 6 calls. We come back and she notes her phone is ringing again, unknown number. She is all "That is so weird, …" picks it up "Hello?" The bastard called her 6 times, (in as many minutes) and then went across the street to a pay phone to call her again to -test- if she was avoiding him. I had spent a total of 15 minutes with my sister in the past hour. So finally I was pissed snatched her phone. "Listen to me asshole, she is not avoiding you it's called stepping outside. She will talk to you when she is done, as she said about twelve times, and if you are too stupid to understand that, perhaps you should find someone else to stalk. Do not call again while she is here because I am turning her phone off." -Click- phone went into my pocket. Of course reaction of the sister? OMG OMG OMG OMG He's gonna hate me! I honestly said "Good".
In the time she's known Tim, he's been nothing but a jack ass to her. I would enourage you to ask her "Why are you with him?" and she says "Oh he does good things" I ask "Like….?" No response. So I am convinced the man is either well hung, or has two penises.
So they have broken up about five hundred times. The most recent was the day before yesterday, where I drove 20 minutes to go console her, and hang out with her. She came over the next day and we were supposed to watch a movie, and I was dumped for the abusive ass-hole again. When he breaks up with her next, I seriously am going to phone him and give him a piece of my mind, and maybe then, that might put a finality to it. She has musteriously 'broken her hand' in a result of a fight with him and had half of her wardrobe 'somehow ruined'. She has been told to lose her friends, and not see her family. She was told to quit her job, and tend to him all the time. She is a poster child for a battered wife. Which is sad. Maybe after he breaks a few more bones, or tries to kill her she will finally see what an asshole Tim is.
