January 29, 2007

Twizzlers, Makes Baby Jesus Cry

Posted in Blogroll, General, humour, life, stupidity, Uncategorized at 1:54 pm by Beyr

Okay so I was all excited today because my husband bought me candy, just because he was a sweetie, and probably did something wrong I’ll never discover. This said he bought me a new type of candy pictured here :

 

Twizzlers

 

NEW! Twizzlers Rainbow Twists! As you can see there are various colors and flavors. From left to right we have strawberry, orange, lemon, watermelon, blue raspberry, and grape. Now I don’t remember these flavors vividly because they were excellent, but because they have to be next to the most disgusting thing that ever has gone into my mouth. (YES including those slumber parties at Kathy’s house? When I snored she put refrigerated ground beef that was grilled in taco sauce, and an extinguished cigarette mix? In my mouth cause I was snoring.)

 

Below is a break down on this candy. For the love of all that’s Holy and Good on this planet, if you love small children, fuzzy pets, and life in general DO NOT BUY THIS CANDY. (If it can be called Candy) Just don’t do it. Don’t. Don’t read this Blog and think “It can’t be that bad” because it is that bad. Choking on your own bile after an all night kegger is more flavorful than this. That ugly stripper at that bachelor/bachleorette party? Would taste better than this. If I were a candy maker, I would buy this product to sell as a weapon’s grade toxic chemical. If you are going to starve to death? Eat your own shoes, urine, and carve bits of your friend off to sustain you before eating this. If you’re still going to starve to death, instead use the bright colors to try to flag down help from the air, or tape these fragrant sticks on your body so when the rescue teams find you, they will overcome the rotting dead guy smell. But, on the upside? As always it’s a Fat Free Candy!

WATERMELON

Scent : Almost like an Airheads Watermelon scent but a bit softer. A very inviting smell that is intended to lure adults and small children alike into biting into the Twizzler stick. The scent of that fake watermelon that is to the point of about to make your mouth pucker in anticipation, and instead of the muscle clenching ‘oooo’ face? You are left drooling.

Texture : As your teeth sink into this Twizzler, you realize you are utterly betrayed at the name, unlike the fake plastic texture of the pull and peel? (Complete with the Cloraseptic Cherry flavor and numbing?) It’s like biting into a week old bit of fish guts without the slime. Chewier and softer than BubbleYum BubbleGum? And yet won’t make a consistent lump in your mouth like taffy or other softer candies. Sinks to the back of your mouth, inciting gag complex.

Flavor : If you could judge flavor on a zero to ten scale, this candy would be near the nine mark, below the previously mentioned zero. It was the neighbor of Watermelon Candy. It waved at Watermelon Candy from across a crowded room and beamed at all it’s friends going ‘I know that him!’ while Watermelon Candy waves back out of politeness before asking Sour Apple ‘Who the fuck was that guy?’

Conclusion : The lack of flavor stopped me from throwing up. Managed to finish the entire stick, just to see if I could. I did. As it hit my stomach it was like sucking down a flat Diet C affine Free Rite soda? That someone hocked a loogie in.

 

BLUE RASPBERRY

Scent : Again a promising pop of scent, perhaps they just failed with the Watermelon? I mean nothing could be that bad that smells sooo good. Almost like that chap stick you smell and secretly lick when no one’s looking (OH YOU KNOW YOU’VE DONE IT!) just to see if the flavor is as good as the smell. Near intoxicating, makes you eager to shove the whole stick into your mouth at once.

Texture : For some reason you are still expecting a decent texture and are again like biting into soft, undercooked oyster, without the slime. As you chew you focus on the texture (because beside the scent there isn’t anything else) and wonder how this candy maintains its unique shape without dissolving into a melted gob of quasi-solid goo. You might want to note I did extensive research and found out this is where the Tempurpedic Mattresses Nasa made gets their softness. Note even the Mattress states on the tag : UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG SHALL NOT BE REMOVED EXCEPT BY THE CONSUMER — NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION

Flavor : Mildly more flavorful than the Watermellon candy! Then again water might accomplish this task. (No ice and lemon thank you!) My tongue was thouroughly confused again awaiting that sweet Laffy Taffy flavor that you can suck on for a few hours? To then getting up, walking out of my mouth, bitch-slapping me, and going to get a cup of coffee.

Conclusion : So bad I decided to start recording how awful the candy was to ensure another human being doesn’t fall into this snare unwittingly! Decided to wash out mouth with Bleach, Three Bottles of Listerene, and small shards of a crystal wine glass from my china cabinet. Consumed half of one stick, to which my stomach then crawled out of my mouth, also bitch-slapped me, and joined my tongue.


bleach + MOUTHWASH + Broken Glass 2 = Better Than Candy

 

LEMONADE

Scent : A very soft tempting scent of Lemon Pez. Yeah Lemon Pez, (made someone sniff to agree!) which I like! Nothing more satisfying than opening someone’s neck and pulling out candy right? Smelled it a lot because I was very scared now after the previous sticks, and there wasn’t much of the inside of my mouth left.

Texture : Somehow SOFTER than the previous flavors. I took a little nibble and rolled the rest into a ball. I discovered though you expect this candy to bounce, instead it lands on the floor with a distinct and deforming -thud-. It was the consistancy of play-dough that was left in the microwave (If you have kids you know right before it starts to harden and they put it in a glass of Kool-Aid? That consistancy.) Left it on the floor. Noted even dog sniffed it a while and left it alone. (Note: If a dog likes the taste of his own ass this should be an indicator of what’s next)

Flavor : Have you ever used Lemon Scent Pledge?

 

pledge

Okay imagine using the Pledge? And you don’t squirt it directly INTO your mouth? But the smell is so strong you can taste it in the -air- of your mouth? That is this candy. I did some testing and exhaled on my kitchen table, and buffed it to a streak free shine. Noted to myself the time I did squirt it into my mouth, it did taste better than the candy.

Conclusion : Remind Husband to pick up wood-cleaner, we’re almost out. Oh and this CANDY SUCKS.

STRAWBERRY

Scent : I was really looking forward to the scent of this candy since the rest smelled so good, and like every other part of it, I was severely let down. It smelled like the bubble-gum that you find on your shoe on a very hot summer day. With gravel, some dude’s hair, and a tac in it? And you get a stick and try to shove the stick under the gum, not because it’s difficult to get off the shoe and hardened? But because the last 12 miles you have left little circles of super sticky gum on the pavment, and when you touched it, it somehow got on your finger, hand, elbow, eyelid, hair, and earlobe. JUST BY TOUCHING IT.

Texture : See above, but not sticky. What it lacked in scent? It made up for being ever so slightly more firm than room-temperature tapioca pudding.

Taste : Have you ever taken a Mr. Bubble Bubble Bath?! Of course you have and if you haven’t you’re a deprived child. Mr. Bubble had a lot of scents at one time, one of them? Strawberry. Once I placed the smallest detectable bit of this candy on my tongue, I expected to start frothing from my mouth like Cujo. It was like eating bubble bath. The taste then changed to something I fear the English Language has not created a word for yet. Afraid to take the candy from my mouth I got aforementioned stick and pried it from my tongue, and found some gravel in my driveway and began chewing on that. This was in hopes my teeth would crack, fall out of my head, and thus taking any remaining flavor from my teeth.

Conclusion : My family pleaded with me to stop, but I told them this was a small price I paid. I beg you, if you try this candy, stay alive, no matter the cost! I will find you! (I will promptly then send you to a hospital in hopes they can pump your stomach in time)

ORANGE

Scent : Deceptive, vile, evil temptress. You smelled like a 50/50 bar, or an orange smoothie. Oh, I knew your games by this point, I didn’t fall for your intoxicating bouquet, I knew you were a despicable liar, a fraud, and more disgusting than Paris Hilton’s thong after an all night bash’n’bang. You think you want it, you know you would like to at least try it, but you know at the end of the night you’ll end up with funky syphilis and pictures and video of your literal ass and this candy all over the internet with a title of “Twizzle the nizzle!”

Texture : I don’t know how many more times I can describe biting into something that reminds me of melted key-lime pie. I tried sucking on it this time, as my teeth and most of my tongue were missing, and realized it simply wouldn’t dissolve. I sat there and finally muscled it down with an 8 oz glass of lighter fluid.

Taste : After the lighter fluid I couldn’t taste much… but just in case I lit my own mouth on fucking fire. My family called the fire department and while they were distracted I noted that my own charred flesh was better tasting than any of this candy so far.

Conclusion : The third degree burns on the inside of my mouth made me realize how short and valuable, even precious life is. I wrote out my will, and went outside enjoyed the starlight, the moonlight, and the scent of sweet fresh air. I made my peace with God, and asked him to forgive all those who purchase this candy, meanwhile smiting the fuckers who put it on the shelf. I asked him if he really loved all the children in the world, why he would allow such pain and suffering in the guise of something sweet and good. I think I heard Baby Jesus cry in sympathy.

 

Baby Jesus

 

GRAPE

Scent : Why oh why did I save the worst for last? Please someone tell me? While the Fire Department was loading me onto the stretcher, and my family was holding eachother sobbing, the heart monitor started beeping I lifted the grape stick to my nose. Fake Grape. Like cough syurp that has been mixed with sugar. Yes perhaps this flavor… though I hate Fake Grape, would change everything. Perhaps high from the Lighter Fluid fumes, or perhaps spiritually enlightened I feared no evil. It smelled like just innocent, pure, wholesome fake grape.

Texture : I flat-lined at this point. I don’t remember much except the sensation of electricity pulsing through my veins, and a tunnel, a long tunnel with a bright white light at the end. I reached for this light with choirs of The Great Beyond beckoning me toward them, before being ripped back to my mortal coil.

Taste : After being jolted back to this realm, I realized that I still had this grape thing in my mouth. I sat straight up in the stretcher, and pulled the final, remaining bits of this candy from my mouth. (Through the gaping hole in my cheek at this point) I stared at it. I had done it. I had survived the worst. I felt stronger, more complete, and in my life I have never had a clearer, stronger mission than to tell you the following ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conclusion : DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY THIS CANDY

 

 

14 Comments »

  1. Avanil said,

    Did you actually take the time to write that?

    I’ve actually had those… Blech. They are nasty.

  2. cybele said,

    Oh man! I love this post.

    I just tried them all. I didn’t have such a negative reaction to them, but I enjoyed yours.

  3. You are too funny!

    Part of me wants to try them to see if they are REALLY that bad (but I’m going to trust you on this one!)

  4. Cory said,

    This is the funniest candy review I’ve ever read. My favorite line had to be “I did some testing and exhaled on my kitchen table, and buffed it to a streak free shine” (under lemonade).

  5. Peggy said,

    OMG, I just about wet my pants laughing so hard. Makes me just want to run out and buy this candy. lol

  6. Carol said,

    I tried these yesterday and they were vile. Your review was funny, but would’ve been funnier had you not misspelled “watermelon” about a hundred times.

  7. Bren said,

    I’ve had them, they’re not great, but it’s not liek they are terrible or anything.

  8. Mo said,

    I dont know what your all going on about i love this candy! my only things that the flavors could be a bit stronger. and could be a bit more tart… and yummy… and… (grabs keys runs out to car and takes off to nearest gas station to buy some)

  9. Cameron said,

    What are you talking about? This isn’t my favorite candy but they are perfectly fine. A few of the flavors are really really good.

  10. AIKlepto said,

    I stole a pack of these, with much excitement. The flavors and colors intrigued me. I got home to test my hot candy; opened the package to a wonderful torrent of scents that left my kleptomania-corrupted olfactory senses orgasming in the wait for the orgasmic flavor that these babies would have (since the scent was so great). Popped ;em in my mouth…. I was utterly repulsed. I felt terrible because I went into the whole ordeal with high expectations, only to be crushed like When your ever-loving Grandmother buys you a Christmas present that is either broken, you have it already, or just plain sucks. I made it through to the last stick, which I did not finish. That was spit out of my mouth quicker than a whore leaving a church. I burned (literally) the packaging.

    The next day-

    My very loving and amazingly forgiving Grandmother purchased me these. I believe a tear cascaded from my superior lacrimal punctum, as she so kindly handed me the beautifully deceitful pack of pure evil, with much love. I couldn’t break it to her that they were evil deviations ranking among the highest of all terrible things- the likes of the Holocaust, the governmental, economical, and social state of the US and the current problem in Darfur. I think I prefer helping The Vatican’s new additions to the “sin list” becoming world laws, helping ban birth control in Africa to speed up the HIV rate and kill an entire continent. THAT would be more pleasant than tasting these devious fuckers again.

    Don’t waste your money, and don’t risk getting sent to jail for even stealing these (like me).

    Sincerely,

    -AIKlepto

  11. Naofaru said,

    I kinda like these i think they are good

  12. shezcrafti said,

    My boyfriend and I tried these the other day. Neither of us could get past a single bite, they are THAT vile! We threw out the entire package. Hilarious review. It speaks the truth!

  13. mymindisfulloffuck said,

    These are my favorite sweet snacks. I am munching on them as I type this. None of my friends dislike them either.

  14. Bioterror said,

    I was lured in by the bright colors, and they did smell pretty delicious, but I could go into the Yankee Candle store for the same reasons and probably still find something more palatable than these atrocities. I tasted each flavor, but couldn’t bring myself to finish one whole twist. Gross.


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